I read this blog a lot and always do my best to offer advice/ commentary to others. And I try my best to tell others that there's hope and to offer positive support. Yet I feel not one of my friends has ever done the same, nor do I feel that they will ever. Why would they anyway? I'm not worth their time, apparently, and I've learned that even if I disappear for a long time, it doesn't make a dent in their daily lives... I took this semester off, and in the back of my mind, I had a feeling that no one would notice. Boy, was I right. No one has called me. Even when I was there, no one ever called me to say, 'Hey, I just wanted to know how you were doing', to make plans with me, or to include me in their plans (with the exception of my roommate because I know she pitied me after she knew how much I cried about this). I wish my friends would call me. Just once. No one returns my calls either. It hurts me deeply that last semester, despite my severe depression, I was desperately willing to go out of MY way to hang out with others, but others didn't care the slightest to put an ounce of effort into seeing me. It would be nice, for a change, to feel wanted, to feel that at least ONE friend at Duke loves me. I made so much effort last semester to go out of my way to see my friends on West, even though my grades couldn't take any more negligence. I made so much effort despite the fact that all I wanted to do instead was catch up on my sleep because my depressed brain couldn't take it anymore. I made the effort, despite the fact that I had spent half of my day crying, wanting to die, loathing my fat and ugly body and then numbing myself with food; a quarter of my day being immobilized from my incompetence and mentally berating myself for all my faults; and the other quarter forcing my fatigued brain to squeeze out a less-than-mediocre product so that I would not fail (and I'm not talking 'I-got-a-B' failed). The LEAST they could do is not erase my existence from their memories. I only have one friend who calls me. One. She doesn't go to Duke. I am so ashamed to admit it, but that's the truth. I don't know why nobody likes me at all. What did I ever do to deserve this? All my life it's been like this, and I don't know why. I try so hard to please everybody else, to be wary of what I do or say to make sure I don't hurt anybody else's feelings. Why is it that no one seems to like me and want me around? Am I ugly? Annoying? Do I speak in a funny manner? Sound funny? Is my personality not 'normal' enough for you? I know that my calling is to be a clinical psychologist so that I can help others like myself through depression, loneliness, broken families, eating disorders of all types, anxiety, physical abuse, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, and God knows whatever else I've been through and still struggle with. I just wish I felt that I had someone at Duke who cared for me in the way I care for others. Apparently, I am worth NOTHING. Never was, never have been, and never will be. I KNEW I shouldn't have gone to Duke, and instead gone to the college that I picked Duke over, just because I wanted to feel special. I now know that I would have been special there, and not at Duke, but I've wasted my college career here that I'm not so sure if it's a good idea to transfer so late in the game. Maybe if they knew that I have cried myself to sleep almost every night for the past four years and counting, they would have the decency to call to at least ask, 'Hey, are you still alive or did you finally grant our wish and commit suicide?' Looks like this night is no exception."